A Different Angle: a random collection of essays and observations, mostly about lesbian/gay/bi issues.
© Todd VerBeek, Radio Zero(tm)
This essay originally appeared in the June 1993 issue of Network News, the newsletter of the Lesbian & Gay Community Network of Western Michigan

A Code of Conduct for the Gay Community

Conservative columnist Dan Palma has been asking us to decide what kind of behavior should be "socially acceptable" for gay, lesbian, and bi people. I'm reluctant to help, but I've decided that I might as well be part of the discussion, rather than risk being shut out by the final decision.

Putting aside the question of how we would enforce a gay code of conduct, here's one that will accomplish Palma's goal of straight acceptance:

Men will refrain from hugging, kissing, or holding hands in public; firm handshakes only. Women will be permitted to hug, and to kiss each other on the cheek. Any public expression of sexual or romantic interest in members of the same gender will be unacceptable. Women will shop in the Women's Department at Sears; men in the Men's Department. Each woman will find a man to live with, change her last name to match (or include) his, and maintain their home. Children will be optional, but encouraged.

This would meet with approval from the heterosexual majority, because it's the code of conduct they apply to themselves. So if we all acted that way, they'd love us. But what's so great about their rules that we should be asking for permission to assimilate into that system?

Those rules say that men must be Men and women must be Women (and children are the property of biological parents). They say that everyone should conform to a standard code of conduct, dress, and even beliefs. People who don't conform may (or may not) be tolerated, but will never be treated like equals. As for sex... the rules are both silly and oppressive, and they're observed with such hypocrisy it isn't funny.

The social standards Palma refers to are a limiting set of rules: this is acceptable, that is not. But for me, one of the benefits of being gay has been that it made me question those rules... and ultimately reject those that didn't make sense. Don't ask me to go back to them; I'd rather go forward.

Rather than a rigid rule book, why don't we instead outline something positive to aspire to? After all, if we must negotiate, I'd rather do it from a position of strength... of pride in the example we have to offer, not one of shame and embarrassment about the supposed moral failings of "drag queens" or "leather dykes".

Palma wants suggestions for how we should behave. How about these?

  • We will accept others, regardless of the way they look, dress, talk, or act.
  • We will support people's right to do whatever they want in their bedrooms, regardless of whether we want to do it ourselves.
  • We will be honest about who we are, rather than pretending to be what others want us to be.
  • We will let people believe things we don't believe, and express opinions we don't share.
  • We will never negotiate away the right to be whoever we are.
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