A Different Angle: a random collection of essays and observations, mostly about lesbian/gay/bi issues. © Todd VerBeek, Radio Zero(tm)

National Coming Out Day... Missing the Point?

A couple years ago (October 11, 1988, to be exact) was the first National Coming Out Day. I remember the date, because it was one of a series of milestones I marked that year. That was the summer I first really came out to anyone: (my former roommate), and when I told my parents. And on October 11, I came out to the five fraternity brothers whose house I had just moved into.

(In case you're wondering: the roommate was last heard making jokes about me at his wedding; my parents have accepted me as always, and invite my boyfriend Andy to family gatherings; and my housemates' reactions ranged from "Holy sh--!" to "So?")

I took National Coming Out Day seriously. On October 10, the biggest clue that I was gay was a poster of Greg Louganis on my bedroom door. At midnight on October 11, I replaced it with Keith Haring's "National Coming Out Day" poster. On that day, I Came Out. Or so I thought.

Actually, I found I'd left a lot undone. On October 12, I still hadn't told my sisters. No one at work knew. Most of my friends still only suspected that I was gay. Putting it in perspective, I finished National Coming Out Day living my life much the same way as I had begun it.

As an afterthought, I built upon what I'd done that day. I told my housemates where I was going when I went to Windfire meetings. I openly admired attractive male actors on TV. In selecting playing pieces for our frat's weekly Monopoly games, I insisted on getting to be the "ferry". I became more open and let more people know about me, one day, one step at a time.

National Coming Out Day is, in a sense, a silly idea. You can't come out in a day, and picking a day in mid-Fall for it is a bit contrived. But the organizers of NCOD hit the nail on the head with their motto: Take Your Next Step.

Not everyone is ready to announce to a houseful of frat boys that they're gay. Some people may not even dream of such a thing. And dramatic steps can often backfire.

But wherever you are, and any day of the year, there is always something, probably small and insignificant, that you can do to be more accepting of yourself, and to be more open with those you care about.

Though I tried to do the right thing for that National Coming Out Day, I missed the point. I thought a big announcement on October 11 was what "coming out" meant, and that the little stuff I might do on October 12 was incidental. I was wrong. Those tiny steps are how I've really come out.

So don't worry about October 11... instead, just treat every day like October 12.

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